This One Made It Out Of The Drafts

T/W—C/W: Brief discussion of mental illness.

(This photo makes no sense and neither does this post—that’s the point👍🏻)

Hello readers! I’ve certainly been missing for a bit. I don’t necessarily have a reason but then also have a million. I think to sum it up, life happens and I’m mentally ill so ambition is hard to find.

Still, I haven’t abandoned writing this blog. As a matter of fact, I personally think breaks are healthy, and I hope to write better than ever. I also just feel like I have so much to write about and nothing at the same time. I feel like that’s a good representation of my life in general to be honest. Because so much happens and it happens all of the time but my brain doesn’t put full thoughts or feelings to everything—it’s a bit particular. Some things hit hard in the moment and are dust in the wind the next. I’m a person of many words but also few.

If that sounds annoying to you, then imagine living it.

And before you start to wonder further—yes, this is a totally thrown together, last minute, bullshit blog post. But that’s also the point. I don’t think I realistically ever set out to make sense with these because life doesn’t. And realistically, it’s kind of like a diary about things that I feel like talking about so why should the posts be any different?

What’s funny is, nobody probably even cares that deeply about the fact that these blogs are not always profound and interesting. But I do and I’m projecting and assuming what others will think based on my own self-doubt. And of course that generally stems from somewhere and the “somewhere” is usually because at some point in time, somebody, somewhere was a dick to me about something—most likely nonsensical—at some point (if you followed that, then kudos to you). The rest is my anxiety and god knows what other of my disorders (diagnosed or assumed but not official).

Is there a point to this?

Not really, but basically I’m back. I want to write again but I guess I just really don’t know what that means yet. I want to find a groove and a rhythm. I want to continue writing this blog but maybe also give some other writing a try as well (whether I ever post that or not is to be determined).

Ultimately, I just want to live. I want to find my niche, I want to fall in love, I want to experience new things, and do it all with trial and error I’m sure, but also while accepting that this is what it’s all about.

So, I’m gonna keep posting. Keep you updated, talk about nonsense, maybe sometimes make some sense, bring some issues to light and just be. I’ll keep Friday as the day but I’m doing away with the time limit. So my tag line “it’s 5 o’clock somewhere” no longer makes sense and will need to be changed and that’s fine.

I was never a type to be great with deadlines. I’m a little flighty with most things—restrictions and due dates being some of those.

I’m also a jack of all trades. I can do many things well but none fantastically. I wish something would speak to me. I’ve had whispers of dreams that I always let die. The reasons were always endless but I guess I should realize that dreams don’t have reason—that’s kind of the point—I hope to work that out in my head.

I’ve never really been in love. I’ve loved people and had thought I was in love before but I don’t think I ever truly was. I long to experience that, even if earth shattering heartbreak waits on the other side.

So I have goals. Things I desire. I’m putting them out there, manifesting, and forcing myself to confront them. It’s time for me to let myself grow and explore.

I hope that I’ll have something to show you readers one day. A story to tell, a goal achieved—even if it’s just one.

I think this is a good start. It feels like forever since I’ve posted and been present, dedicated. But this one made it out of the drafts and maybe it’s all nonsense but maybe I have more to say than I think.

Published by gcalavano

I am a 24 year old who uses the following pronouns: she/her/they/them. I am queer and mentally ill and I’m just trying to live and figure out how to remain true to myself but also grow as I go!

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