T/W: Discussions of sex, eating disorders, and unhealthy coping mechanisms.
Hello! I know my schedule with updating this blog has been super all over the place. I’m going to try to make it my mission to get back on schedule. Especially because a lot of the more hectic parts of my life have finally calmed down, so that means focusing on creativity and my hobbies should be easier to manage. Which brings me to the point of this post—learning to be by myself.
Those who know me would be able to point out that this year I haven’t been by myself much. I threw a lot of myself into dating and sex—mainly sex actually, which is fine…if it was with a healthy mindset—I can tell you now that it, in fact, was not.
I’m not going to come on here and shit on exploring your sexuality and having multiple sexual partners. As a matter of fact, I think it’s great! Especially if it works for you. I’m not even necessarily saying that it didn’t work for me. What I am trying to say is that I got so consumed with finding people to be with that I lost sight of myself in the process. Additionally, I no longer understood why I was doing it.
The thing about me (and many other people I’m sure, but I’m writing about my experience), is that if something sparks a fire in me, even a little bit, there’s a chance I’ll get addicted to it. Whether it’s a feeling, a person, or a thing, if it makes me happy—or at least makes me believe I’m happy—I’ll give my all into continuing that feeling and so I’ll constantly obsess over said feeling, person, thing.
That’s where the unhealthy part (for me) comes in.
I couldn’t be content with just myself. I always needed something, even if it ended in hurt. I had a horrible relapse with my bulimia, I was drinking more again, and I wanted to feel close to someone, generally sexually.
I know where the need for these things come from. I could literally write an entire post about the core of where my issues stem from. Since that’s not necessarily what this post is about, I’ll summarize—bulimia stems from childhood/beauty pressure/control, drinking makes me feel confident, and sex makes me feel powerful, beautiful, and desired.
I want to point out, in regard to the sexual aspect—sex should make you feel all of those things if you’re interested in having it. The reason I lumped it in as an issue is because I would feel lost when I wasn’t having sex because I couldn’t feel those things by myself—which, for me (and really for anyone in my opinion), is not healthy. You should be able to love yourself, and feel beautiful and powerful all on your own!
With all of this in mind, I decided it was finally time to dedicate some time to myself.
I did this by taking a break from work (thankful for a job in which I am able to do that—I know not everyone has that luxury), and decided to start facing my needs head on.
I started being gentle with myself and got myself back on track with my eating disorder recovery. I also saw a doctor about some ongoing health issues that I have and am finally receiving treatment for them (more on that in a different post). I also took a hiatus from dating.
It’s important to note, I’m not holding myself back from dating either, just not trying as hard. I have moments where the urge hits and I’ll browse some dating apps, but I usually notice after a short time that it’s not actually what I want and so I’ll step back and assess why I feel like I need someone in that moment. Usually, it’s something I can do for myself. That being said, if someone comes along and we’re both mutually interested, as long as I’m in a good headspace at that moment, I’ll go for it. The difference is I’m not obsessing over it.
I’m fed up with staring at my phone for hours on end, hoping that I’ll spark a conversation with someone who claims they can fulfill me and my desires. I’m tired of only finding my worth through others. Ultimately, I need some time for me, and to be alone for awhile.
I’m not sure how long it will last and I don’t have a timeline for it. However, it’s been a bit since I last went on a date and at least two months since my last sexual encounter. I can honestly say that it’s been good for me. It gave me time to clear myself and heal a little bit. It’s a process and nothing is set in stone but, at least for now, I’m learning to be by myself and understanding how wonderful that can be.