Hello everyone, happy Friday! Today I want to do something a little bit different.
I noticed lately that a lot of my blogs have involved other people somehow—even if the overall blog was supposed to be about me and an experience that I personally had, it still always ended up revolving around someone else.
Upon realizing this, I noticed I was doing this in my everyday life as well—focusing so much on others and not enough on myself and my healing.
So I decided to unpack this.
The fact of the matter is, I’m a flawed person and imperfect in so many ways. For the longest time, even to this day, I beat myself up for this. I torture myself with the possibilities of what I’m doing wrong on a daily basis. I find myself agonizing over every mistake or even things that I just feel like are wrong and haven’t even done! Such as if I’m feeling a certain way about something, and I feel as though I shouldn’t be or if I had an intrusive thought and judge someone on what my brain feels is a poor choice in footwear.
Instead of just accepting the fact that I’m human and we all feel things differently at different times and that we all have biases and moments of judgment, I’ll berate myself for it. I won’t just accept it, make a note to improve and move on like one should. I literally convince myself that I am a monster for things that every human does, whether intentional or not!
Because that’s the thing! Yes, I am flawed—incredibly so…but we all are—we’re human.
My point is, there is nothing wrong with holding ourselves accountable and wanting to do better. That’s an important thing for growth and super necessary. However, we all need to remember to also be gracious and forgiving with ourselves as well.
Had a fight with a friend? That’s really tough, and if it can be resolved then try to! However, if you can’t fix it then it’s something to learn from and you have to give yourself time to cope and move on.
Failed a test? That could be difficult, especially if you put a lot of your value in school. The thing is though, it’s one test, it’s not your whole worth and value and you can always improve.
Feel like an overall fuck up? Ok, unpack it and ask yourself why—get to the bottom of it. Is there something you can do to feel better or improve? Are you feeling this way because of yourself or others? If you feel like there is genuinely something you can do to better your situation and you want to work on it, then go for it! But if you’re seeing a pattern and everything you’re changing and agonizing over is less because you see and understand the problem and more because someone else is making you feel that way then fuck it!
Give yourself grace, soul search, and understand who you are and the things you actually can work on. Don’t ever do something because you feel like you have to. It’s pointless. Nothing gets accomplished that way because you don’t fully understand why you have to do it so you probably won’t fully commit to it, and it won’t truly fix anything. Plus, if you’re doing it just to appease someone, odds are they’ll probably see that eventually and will realize it’s not genuine on your end and judge you either way.
What I’m saying is, I’ve done all of those things and still do! I drive myself crazy, hurt my own feelings, constantly nag at myself…and you know what?
It’s rarely ever for my own benefit!
Instead, it’s usually because I’m so consumed by others and what they think or how they view me.
So I’m challenging myself now to take care of myself and do what I have to do! I don’t want to stop growing or changing but I’m also not going to keep doing these things for others.
I’m doing it for myself.
I am finding that I have so much work to do in regards to getting comfortable with myself and relying on me. The only sure way to do this is to actually start focusing on myself!
Friends and family are important, but at the end of the day, week, year, lifetime, we need to please ourselves, because that’s who we’ll always have.
So the time has come where I have to start living for me and because I want to—I hope you all do the same, but you have to be the ones to make that choice.
Have a great Friday everyone!