New Beginnings

T/W: Discussion of mental illnesses, toxic relationships, and mild swearing.

Hello readers, it’s that time again, and in this current moment I’m feeling optimistic, so I felt like I should write about it.

I want to start by saying that not everything in my life is magically perfect and better than it’s been—quite the opposite, actually! And I know that must make you think “how is this going to be optimistic?”…well, I’m going to say something that people have been saying forever—“it gets worse before it gets better.”

What I mean by that is, recently I have been through the ringer! It seems like there’s always something not so great happening and it just feels like there’s no end in sight sometimes.

Here’s the thing though—there is!

I think the first step in getting through what feels like a giant setback or pitfall in life is to find the root of what is causing this issue or pain. I have had to do this many times in life, especially recently and it takes a lot of reflection and introspection, as well as—if possible for whoever is reading this—therapy! That has certainly been my biggest aide.

I’ve also cut out a lot of toxicity in my life. Once I started getting to the source of the things that were plaguing my brain, it became clear to me the things and even people that I should cut out and so I did—as much as I could anyway.

Now this is not always easy to do and I’d certainly never suggest that somebody just change their entire life and cut literally everyone off to find inner peace—that’s where the importance of understanding what or who is doing the most damage comes into play.

For me, I realized that my family was a big problem for me for awhile—specifically my parents. Don’t get me wrong, I love them and here and there I still talk to them, but it’s not nearly as much as I once did. It’s a hard thing and sometimes I still get sad about it, but I also understand that it was necessary for me as someone who is actively seeking help to draw a little bit of distance from those who are aware of their issues but don’t even try to grow or change. These type of people often do more harm than good, no matter what role they play in your life and it’s important to understand this and acknowledge that it’s not your fault for wanting better.

I also finally stopped talking to a guy who was not good for me (read “This is for You” for a more in depth look at that shit show). Now, in this particular instance, I didn’t even really have a choice, because I have a hard time leaving people. I generally stick around until others walk away, even if they are not the best. This is a pretty deep issue of mine—something I’ve had to work on. It takes a lot for me to finally walk away from someone I’m close to (unless it’s fairly early in getting to know them and then it’s like one mistake and you’re done—which is also not the best thing to do because we all have quirks). Getting back on track, I essentially had to beg to finally get closure and have him half heartedly tell me that he was “stepping back” but he also left it open for a chance that he might talk to me eventually…this is where I took my power back because that was enough closure for me to realize that, for me, it’s over. I don’t care if he talks to me again (not saying I wouldn’t be confused and hurt still), I would not give him the time of day. The reason being—I finally realized from having to grovel for peace (that was within me all along) that he was an asshole who was keeping me on a string in case better things didn’t work out for him. He never cared as much as I did/I believed he did and that gave me my true closure.

So here I am now, starting from scratch. What does that mean for me exactly?

I don’t know for sure still!

However, I do know that I want to heal and I think that’s where the optimism finally comes into play (in case anyone forgot that this post is meant to be optimistic haha). I want to grow and change and be the best version of me possible, while also giving myself the grace and understanding that I will make mistakes—and that it’s ok and necessary!

Sometimes I feel like the queen of mishaps. I’ve had so many mess ups and setbacks that it all feels too familiar at this point.

My mental illnesses have had somewhat of a spike (as they do and will continue to do), I am looking for comfort in all of the wrong places most of the time (people—mainly men for some reason, substances, my ED), and to top it all off, the constant general mistakes that humans often make (misplaced hurt, miscommunications, forgetting what I walked into the room for—you name it, I’m messing it up flawlessly).

I think that’s where I’m hitting my turning point though. In the past, I would run from my problems and push my feelings down. Now, I don’t want to do that and I generally don’t. I tend to realize my errors right away now and more than that—most importantly as well—I am actively working to improve on them while also accepting that these things happen.

Humans are naturally flawed, I don’t make the rules, it’s just how we’re programmed. However, there is always room to grow and improve. If you ever feel like you’ve done all you can for yourself and that you’re the best you can be, think again, I can guarantee that you’re not. The other thing to understand is that’s perfectly fine and constantly striving for “perfection” is not a goal either—it’s also not attainable.

Life is about balance, plain and simple. You have to have the rises and falls. You also have to accept the falls for what they are and try to learn from them while not forgetting to embrace the moments that you’re rising.

So here’s where I’m at now—I’m flawed, I’m faulty, I’m fucked—but I’m doing it perfectly. I’m trying! Something that is so different than my many “attempts to heal” in the past because I’m genuinely trying. I want to heal from hurt, I want to let it go, and I want to move on and grow.

So yes, I’m damaged and messing up more than I’d like—especially right now—but I’m also making more of an effort to understand why than I ever have before and that is an amazing thing! I’m taking steps to finding who I truly am and what I really can do and be!

All of this to say, things can and will be painful (including healing), but as long as there is effort being put in, things slowly will start to feel ok, even if those things are “failures”. All we can do is understand what we want and need now and how we have to get it. We deserve it and we shouldn’t settle for less, no matter how many “mess ups” it takes. And as hopeless as I do feel sometimes, I think I’m finally figuring all of that out—what I need, want, and deserve—my worth.

This is my time for another new beginning—it might not even be the last because that’s how life goes! Regardless, I’m excited for the journey and to see what else I am going to learn.

Published by gcalavano

I am a 24 year old who uses the following pronouns: she/her/they/them. I am queer and mentally ill and I’m just trying to live and figure out how to remain true to myself but also grow as I go!

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